How To Be Snowed In

Screen Shot 2015-02-09 at 9.11.50 AMTHE SNOW WILL END, AND YOU WILL SOON BE BACK AT WORK, remembering the shower-less, shovel-heavy days of whatever nor’easter or blizzard we all just lived through. If your pipes don’t freeze, you don’t lose power, and you have Wi-Fi, you are among the luckiest top ten-to-twenty percent of the world’s population.

So in the interest of planning ahead for your two-to-three days of Carpe Diems in your pajamas (or layered boot-heavy shoveling outfit), here’s the breakdown for those a little older than the shovel-your-driveway-for-fifty-bucks-mister crowd, and assuming we all have off work:

Single with roommates: Chances are the landlord will have to shovel, or has hired someone to do it in his stead, so you’re free from a day of shoveling. You know the path to the packie and have cleared out a nice little spot for you to quickly smoke a cigarette outside while finishing off your Irish coffee. Chances are that your roommates will have friends over, and your apartment will become a den of iniquity in no time. Enjoy it while you’re young.

Single without roommates: This seems impossible unless you’re living with your parents and just not considering them “roommates.” You are a rare breed, so live it up. Perhaps you’re living in a studio apartment, or a small trailer in the desert of a Tarantino film, or you’re couch-hopping indefinitely until you grow up and start paying actual rent somewhere. Either way, we have no advice for you because you can do anything you want with only nature as a deterrent (and you don’t even have to watch all those documentaries and “classics” you put on your Netflix queue).

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Married/Living Together: Thanks to the 21st amendment and streaming media, you can do whatever you want, including sleeping in, sexy time, quiet projects in the next room, and avoiding killing each other because, well, you’re snowed in for like three days. This applies to young as well as older couples. If you prepared enough, you can enjoy cocktails all day long while binge-watching your shows or catching up on the dreams you had that you forgot about until you had some time to catch up on life. Todays are those days. You’re snowed in. Just don’t watch news coverage all day of other towns snowed in.

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Married with kid(s): You can play zone or man defense, but you need a plan. This will involve a strict don’t-wake-us-up-until-7-morning decree (that will probably backfire), followed by yelling at the kids to go play in their rooms for a while until you’re ready to take them outside, then fun in the snow to tire them out (that will be short-lived), and then maybe a long afternoon of silent reading or movie watching; no matter what you do, it will go quickly and you won’t want to clean up, so get ready to let the paints and play-doh dry out until you give up the ghost and throw them out (you can only stare at them on the table for so long). By the end of the last snow day, it’s okay to just give up on cleaning and laundry – that’s what spring is for.

If the kids let you sleep in (and they won’t), this gives you roughly thirteen hours to entertain children who need constant stimulation. Do NOT feel bad about screen time. The Puritans wished they had DVR and video games. They also wished they had enough materials for blanket forts. Hopefully you prepared by purchasing exactly the right snacks for them and exactly the right drinks for you and mom. There is no take out for a few days, so you have to prepare for this. There will also be no trip to Target, Starbucks, Ace Hardware, local shops, or the Mall for days, so be ready to suffer at home with the people you love more than life itself. We are also sorry you and the wife will get no sexy time unless you really plan ahead, and if you’re lucky you’ll both at least shower and brush your teeth at some point before we all return back to work and school.

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4 thoughts on “How To Be Snowed In

  1. Um, “Single without roommates: This seems impossible unless you’re living with your parents and just not considering them “roommates.” You are a rare breed, so live it up.”? Impossible, really? Rare breed? Kind of myopic there, buddy.

    Like

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